“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” -2 Corinthians 4:7
This past Wednesday evening our Cedar Ridge “Blog Study” was on the subject of shame. This particular blog was based on the book Unashamed: Healing Our Brokenness and Finding Freedom from Shame, and written by Heather Nelson. Our conversation wound its way from curious reflective thought to laughter, to deeply contemplative thought—and back again. Interestingly, the atmosphere was filled with a sense of ease and comfort as we discussed this very delicate subject and how it has affected each of us.
SNAPSHOT
- Commonality: We all deal with elements of shame from time to time.
- Complicated: Shame can be complicated and can be something that lingers for years; hidden behind the smiles are pain, disappointments, and heartaches that we have believed no one could understand.
- Community: We need each other, and yet we have discovered shame forces us apart. The irony of shame is that we feel we are alone. Shame has a way of isolating and distancing people, destroying community. After all, it is the last thing we want to discuss with anyone!
So, why is it that no one seems to want to broach this subject? Shame is so prevalent, and yet, such a private experience, that we feel alone—as if we are the only one suffering this malady. If we feel that we are about to be “exposed”, fear grips us and isolation and self-protection become our ally.
ORIGINS
Where did this problem come from in the first place? We find a clue in Genesis 3, where we find shame identified and exposed. It is here that we discover we live in a fractured world with people who are no longer perfect, each with flaws and shortcomings. In this originally perfect Paradise, we now find a flawed, weed-choked garden with Satan’s accusing voice leading us to shame, and yet—God’s voice can lead us past that to the freedom of a joy-filled life.
As I further contemplated the subject of shame, I thought of “the family portrait”. Remember the old saying, “a picture is worth a thousand words?” I have come to the conclusion that this is not entirely correct. You see the mom, dad, brothers, sisters, the family dog—or whomever. They are happy and smiling, some with their arms flung around another person. But little do we realize that after the photo session is over, each goes off in their separate directions, literally and figuratively. They all live different lives, have different ideologies, full of conflict and discord, and there is often (not always) no real connection at all, except perhaps with the dog!
MORPHING LIVES
Sometimes, when a family is young, it has all the promise of being a “picture- perfect” home. Yet as the children mature and more family photos are taken, the smiles may be retained but the reality is that this family is not what it used to be. Life has gotten jaded with disappointments, causing pain, sadness, anger— and who knows what all that have invaded the original portrait. In this family there now resides shame and brokenness. Sometimes shame is entirely individual through the sins of others. Often, the sins that shame us are self-inflicted.
IRONIES
Life creates its own ironies. These damaged individuals and families believe they are alone in their imperfections—after all—they have seen in others the myriad of perfect family pictures, of glowing Facebook posts and other misleading visages of perfection.
Sadly, the word “perfect” should never be used as an adjective to describe any family. While not literally suggesting this, in reality, perhaps we ought to take our family portraits, drop them on the floor, then hang the shattered mess on the wall to remind ourselves that we all live in a fractured world. We all have struggles and yes, even shame.
REMEDY
But wait…does it have to be that way? Is there a remedy? Gratefully, yes. Know that the gospel is intended to rescue us from our shame. The unfathomable truth of the gospel is that Jesus not only took upon Himself our guilt, but He also endured our shame. The author of Hebrews 12:2 so eloquently says, “…looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
ANSWERS
I don’t claim to have all the answers to the many varied shades of shame, and this is not a comprehensive answer to every problem. However, we can note some basic truths. How can we help one another when we deal with our hidden shame?
- Talk about the beauty of the gospel. Let it be known that the clothes we wear are no longer that of Adam and Eve but the “robes of righteousness” of Christ (Isa. 61:10). It is Christ who removes our shame and gives us His righteousness.
- Do not forget what it cost Christ to remove our guilt and shame and to give us His joy. Shame loves to remain” historical” to the hurt and pain of our past and never deal with the healing that Christ provides. Understand that the remedy of having a newfound “shame-free identity” is found in the past as well. We can rest that when Jesus uttered the words, “it is finished” on that tortuous cross, that those words continue to echo down through the ages. It is finished! We are reminded that the removal of our shame was costly for Him, but not for us; we have received His righteousness while at the same time He took our shame.
- We must live incarnationally by accepting each other in Christ, understanding that, “If one member suffers, all suffer together” (1 Cor. 12:26). We must find others who will bear our pain together in love. Shame cannot survive in community. To affirm to one another that we are “washed, …sanctified, … justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God,” reinforces that not only do we not reject one another, we also believe that God in Christ doesn’t reject us either (1 Cor. 6:11).
Let’s learn to “tape over those cracks” in our portraits as we seek to be affirming to one another in Christ. Pastor Ray Ortlund describes how the Christian community ought to be shame-resisting when he writes:
“The family of God is where people behave in a new way. I think of it with a simple equation: gospel + safety + time. The family of God is where people should find lots of gospel, lots of safety, and lots of time. In other words, the people in our churches need:
- multiple exposures to the happy news of the gospel from one end of the Bible to the other;
- the safety of non-accusing sympathy that they can admit their problems honestly; and
- enough time to rethink their lives at a deep level, because people are complex and changing is not easy.
In a gentle church like this, no one is put under pressure or singled out for embarrassment. Everyone is free to open up, and we all grow together as we look to Jesus.”
I sense that this is what we experienced this past Wednesday night in our study on shame. We need to strive for a new sense of transparency and acceptance of each other—living lives that epitomize the grace and mercy that God Himself has towards us! As II Corinthians 12:9 says, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”